Our stories are built in often unconscious but systematic ways. First, we take in information. We experience the world – sights, sounds, and feelings. Second, we interpret what we see, hear, and feel; we give it all meaning. Then we draw conclusions about what’s happening.
What we can change is the way we respond to each challenge. Typically, instead of exploring what information the other person might have that we don’t, we assume we know all we need to know to understand and explain things. We often experience our beliefs, opinions, and judgments as facts.
Instead of working to manage our feelings constructively, we either try to hide them or let loose in ways that we later regret. Arguing creates another problem (rather than simply the problem at hand) in difficult conversations: it inhibits change. Telling someone to change makes it less rather than more likely that they will. This is because people almost never change without first feeling understood.
Instead of exploring the identity issues that may be deeply at stake for us (or them), we proceed with the conversation as if it says nothing about us – and never come to grips with what is at the heart of our anxiety. By understanding these errors and the havoc they wreak, we can begin to craft better approaches.
To get anywhere in a disagreement, we need to understand the other person’s story well enough to see how their conclusions make sense within it. And we need to help them understand the story in which our conclusions make sense. Understanding each other’s stories from the inside won’t necessarily “solve” the problem, but it’s an essential first step.
Help them understand you:
- Don’t present your conclusions as truth
- Share where your conclusions come from
- Don’t exaggerate with “Always” and “Never” (give them room to change)
- Ask them to paraphrase back
- Ask how they see it differently and why
- Take the lead on problem solving
- Move towards a conversation focused on learning from each other.
- Be persistent about listening
(Stone, p. 8, 29, 30, 196, 198, 199, 200, 204)
Conflict Styles of Men 